Tag Archives: balance

F Balance, Be Intentional Instead!

plates

I fell hook, line, and sinker for the elusive goal of obtaining balance.  I even wrote a poem about it here.  But what is balance actually?  As I think more about my life and how it is in constant flux I become anxious for the need to get it all lined up just so.  I picture myself walking on a tight rope, focus honed in on the task at hand.  Unable to move left or right for fear of free falling.  Rigid in my movements.  The flexibility to adjust? Drastically limited.  And what I come away with is a life filled with restraint.  No room to breathe too deeply because I may throw off my weight distribution on the rope.  No freedom to take in my surroundings because a loss of focus can mean disaster.  Although the acrobats ability to balance may be awe inspiring it should not be marketed as a way of life.

My takeaway?  Balance is a generic term used to imply control.  If every plate is not spinning, if you are not constantly adjusting; micro movements meant only to keep all the plates in the air, then you have no control over your life!

Who came up with this BS?  And why did we fall for it?   I personally fell for it because being the quintessential control freak that I am, having the ability to balance all things seemed achingly appealing.

Look at me !  Look at me!
Spinning all these plates while hopping on one leg!
I’m superwoman!
I’m Awesome!
I’m unfulfilled and miserable…

What changed my mind? Life.  Life changed my mind.  Being a humble overachiever (does labeling myself humble make me less so?) I decided to not only work full time while pursuing a doctorate but to also participate in a school principal program while going through a divorce and adjusting to being the custodial parent of three children.  Why?  Because I thought I could.  And somehow I managed to keep all those plates spinning for awhile. But as life would have it, I was thrown a HUGE curve ball.  My youngest daughter got sick at a crucial time in my program and I had to make a choice.  I dropped all my plates except one. She became my focus.    But I was plagued by an extreme since of guilt. I was unable to keep my balance.  I dropped the ball, broke the plates, jumped off the tight rope. I failed.  I felt this way for a long time and no mater what anyone said, in my heart I was a failure.  We are suppose to be able to balance right?  That’s what successful adults do!

Then I called Bullshit.

I asked myself, what would I tell a client?  Would I think of them as a failure for dropping the plates?  And my answer was, Of course not!

So is my life balanced? NO. And it most likely never will be, at least not for long.  There will definitely be times where I will need to be more focused but my goal is no longer to spin plates just so, or walk a tight rope with precision but to be intentional in my movements.

So I say F#%k Balance and live life intentionally!  

No more doctoral program, no more principal program.  No more guilt.  Dropping those plates was the best decision I ever made.  Now instead of balance I am becoming more adept at focusing my attention on my intentions.

There will be days when the house is clean but the workout was skipped. Days when you go on a date with your mate but you couldn’t make it to your friends party.  Days when you spend hours cutting out paper-dolls with your littles but that chapter in your book didn’t get written.  Days when dinner is frozen pizza so you can write that chapter you didn’t get to yesterday.

There will always be some give and take, some ebb and flow, some ups and downs.  And ever so often the moon will be full, the kids will behave like angels, you actually will WANT to work out, your attempt at a new recipe will be NAILED, your mate will take out the trash without prompting, the wine will be chilled just so, and the breeze will smell like fresh flowers and not biohazard; that bliss point will be reached.  Aligned scales!!

And you know what’s even more wonderful and ironic? That usually happens without you even trying!

So allow yourself room to adjust, to grow, to live, to breathe!
Jump off the tight rope.  Find your path and walk it with intention.

You are worthy of being holistically well.

Yulinda Rock

Wednesday Wisdom

wednesday-wisdom

Being vulnerable does not make you a sucker.  

Asking for help does not make you weak.

Engaging in therapy does not make you a heathen

Accepting support does not make you a leech.

Crying does not make you soft.

Wanting comfort does not make you needy

Missing someone does not make you clingy

Being angry doesn’t mean you’re out of control

Wanting to feel safe doesn’t mean you’re controlling

Wanting the clamor inside your head to be quiet does not make you crazy.

None of theses things are inherently negative.  They are Human. You are Human.  You have a right to feel however you feel.  The goal is to become self aware.  To use discernment so we are not victims of others or our own mismanaged emotions.  Acknowledge them.  Accept them.  Deal with them.  I can help.

You are worthy of being holistically well.

Yulinda Rock

 

 

Be an authority over your own thoughts: A hard conversation with myself

mindfulness-is-not-concerned-800x563

Woke up this morning and felt unsettled in my spirit.  I found out something that made me start to question myself.  It was causing feelings of bitterness and was disrupting my productivity.  These thoughts were stealing my contentment.  I tried to swallow down the frustration but it got stuck in my chest.  I could feel it tightening.  My head started to hurt and I felt my hands contracting into fist.  I started asking the questions?

Why not me?

Why are things so difficult for me?

Why must I always struggle?

Where is my break?

Why is everyone else prospering and I’m having such a hard time?

And on and on.

Then I stopped. I stopped and checked myself.  Sure, life isn’t fair, but my journey is my own and I have the choice to either use my energy to focus on someone else’s journey or I can laser focus on my own.   So I changed frustration into inspiration, and I began to answer the questions that plagued me.

Why not you?  Why not you, what? Why was that opportunity not afforded to you?  Why are blessings not falling down on your head? First, you are blessed.  Second, because that is not your path.  You know that is not your path but instead of boldly embarking on your own road you allow your focus to shift to others.  Stop being afraid.  Stop trying to control everything.  Trust yourself.  Believe in yourself and move forward.  Eyes straight ahead. No distractions.

Why are things so difficult for you?  Seems like you are focused on the wrong thing, again. Instead of asking yourself why are things difficult focus on what you can do to be more proficient.  Are things really difficult or are you just not helping yourself to make things easier.  Sure, things have not been a cakewalk but you must acknowledge that your own thoughts create way more difficulty for you than your actual circumstances.  Change your perspective, change your life.

Why must you always struggle? Define struggle? You mean why are things not easy? Why must you WORK and put forth EFFORT? Why can’t Yulinda simply exist and have things just so? Yeah it would be great if you could just snap your fingers and everything fell into place but…So how about we reframe this.  You have certain goals.  You want autonomy and freedom of expression.  You have made the choice to work for yourself.  That takes dedication, discipline, perseverance, persistence, courage, and a lot of other adjectives. If you truly want this than make it happen,  no more excuses.  You’re not struggling, you’re hustling.  Keep going!

Where is your break? Seriously? There are no breaks.  You CREATE breaks by positioning yourself in a way that makes getting a break more likely.  That definitely will not happen while you are sitting on Facebook feeling some type of way about other people’s success. Get busy!

Why is everyone else prospering and you are having such a hard time?  Again, seriously? Why are you focused on other people.  Clap for them while you go perform for you!  Your issue is focus.  It is not where it belongs.  You should not have time to pay attention to other people’s success.  You should be creating your own.  You are worth the work.  Acknowledge that. Accept that.  Go do it!

Don’t let your thoughts derail you.  Confront your negative thoughts.
Re-frame them. Reshape them. Then, re-calibrate.

You are worthy of being holistically well.

Yulinda Rock

 

 

Stress Management as a Family Unit

family-guy-fox

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger: Dealing with stress in the family as a family.

Strong families are beneficial to not only themselves but to the communities in which they reside; they are the building blocks of society.  Unfortunately even the strongest family can be shaken by stress.   However, the stress itself is not so much the problem but how it is dealt with.   The mismanagement of stress can lead to fissures in the foundation of the family system.

Effective communication is the best tool for a family to use to successfully navigate stressors, and often the most underutilized.  People tend to deal with stress in silos.  Opting to go it alone opposed to coming together to tackle it as a team; from the teen being bullied at school, to the father being burnt out from work, to the mom feeling unappreciated, to the sibling that feels left out.   These individual issues will ultimately affect the entire family, often leading to misunderstandings, unmet needs, hurt feelings, resentment, and bitterness.   In a household there is no such thing as “that persons” stress.  Everyone in the house will be affected in one way or another.

So the solution is to communicate.  But that is often much easier said than done.  Communication between two people is difficult; communication among an entire family is a special challenge but not one that can’t be navigated successfully.  Being able to listen for understanding opposed to responding is a skill that can be taught.  Fundamentally people want to feel heard and understood.

As a Youth/Parent/Family coach my role is to help the parent(s) or guardian(s) think critically, foster effective communication within the family system, create and facilitate solutions to daily challenges, as well as how to thoughtfully manage larger stressors (divorce, sickness, marriage, job loss, death, etc.) all in an effort to build and maintain a family that is solid. The first step to becoming a stronger family unit is to identify, acknowledge, and address any areas of need.

I offer a workshop for parents to provide a dynamic atmosphere were we come together as a team to support and encourage one another as we become skilled in stress management. This workshop will teach about effective communication, establishing healthy boundaries, and creating self-care systems as a means of managing stress and maintaining healthy relationships within the family.  Some role-play will be used to demonstrate effective listening and as a group we will brainstorm realistic self-care regimens that an entire family can benefit from and support.

The onus of responsibility when managing family stress falls squarely on the guardian. The first step is accepting that responsibility, the next is obtaining tools.  Stress will never go away so we might as well learn how to deal with it and manage it.  I can help.

You are worthy of being holistically well.

Yulinda Rock

Help for the helpers

therapists need therapy

On occasion I will share personal experiences in an effort to make of myself a mirror. To reflect back my struggles and my growth so that others don’t feel alone.
I help because I understand
I understand because I’ve been there
and I return there with the hopes of bringing someone else out with me…

It’s difficult being in the helping profession when you yourself are not on solid ground. I have experienced some trials and tribulations and as much as part of me wants to hold on to anger and bitterness, as much as I feel I have a right to these emotions; that they are some how righteous, I also know that clinging to them is hindering me. It is negatively effecting everything I do, from my business to my children, and it is time to shift. Oh it won’t be easy, but it is necessary.

Choosing to be ok when things are falling apart takes way more courage than we ever give or get credit for.
Fighting to change your narrative, smiling through your tears, turning screams of frustration into declarations. Those are the acts of soldiers and I’m battling right along side you.

I can’t effectively be As Solid As A Rock for others when I am crumbling. So today I rebuild.
Because I too am worthy of being holistically well!

Yulinda Rock

Balance…

balance

Balance
elusive yet desirable
attainable
but sacrifices must be made
to reach the Bliss point where all things sit on their perch just so
letting go of one to uplift the other
sister
mother
lover
friend
in the end there is a give and take
or in the wake of the tumultuous juggling will be broken things scattered at your feet
So I repeat
Balance
desirable but hard to maintain
one must refrain from doing too much or not Enough
rebuffed by the pressure to do all
to not let anything fall
by the wayside
Pride we must check
respect your limitations by celebrating all that you do in lieu of perfection
we honor intentions
make sure yours are pure
sacrifice all that you were
In order to become the person you must be
To achieve
Balance…

You are worthy of being holistically well
Yulinda Rock

Time Management…

leap

February 29.  The day that happens only once every 4 years and on this day I find myself reflecting on these first two months of 2016, what I have accomplished, and have yet to do.

So as you reflect on your entry into 2016 be gentle with yourself but be honest.  Take stock of these past months.  Did you do everything you set out to do?  If you did how did you mange to do so?  If not, why not?  What hindered you?  What can you do to combat those obstacles?  Two months down, ten more to go!  How do you plan to live them?

January and February have been whirlwinds of randomness for me.  I failed at intentionally going after my goals.  I didn’t work out like i planned to.  I didn’t track my calories.  I neglected to update my website.  My business social media platforms were woefully bare.  Networking??  Fahget about it!

However despite all I didn’t do, I managed to live.  I cried, I laughed, I screamed for both joy and because of pain, I watched TV, and just lazed around.  And although I didn’t do all that I sought to I did something that I have not been able to do in a long time, appreciate the moments.

With that being said, its time to get back to business.  I’m using this extra day to focus. To regroup.  To better manage my time.  Find BALANCE.

My pendulum tends to swing far right or far left, and I know I’m not the only one that operate in extremes.  Let’s make the leap together to better manage our time and find the balance that will be a step toward holistic wellness.

We are worthy…

Yulinda Rock